You are so full of joy. A baby is growing inside you. In YOUR belly. Incredible. What a miracle that this is happening.
Your belly is growing and you're so proud to finally show it to the world. "Look, I'm going to be a mom. There's a baby growing inside me. My baby." You could hug the world.
But then something happens.
Something you can't even grasp.
At the supermarket checkout.
At your parents' house.
In the swimming pool.
“You have a small belly. Is the baby big enough?”
”"What, you're still going to work at the trade fair? Isn't that way too much?"”
”"What, you want to go back to work after a year?"”
And it continues right after the birth:
“Just let the child cry, then it will fall asleep.”
”"The child is dressed far too lightly. It's freezing."”
”"Your baby is probably hungry, judging by how it's crying."”
What sounds like harmless words from loved ones or strangers feels like sharp arrows in reality. They shoot straight into your heart, each one leaving a small wound. You become increasingly torn between what you feel and what others say. Nothing seems right anymore, and you find yourself more and more often asking yourself: "What is right, anyway? What if there's another comment? What if I do something wrong?"“
Uncertainty arises.
Self-doubt.
They're gnawing at you.
With every additional saying you hear, you transform into a tree with a thin trunk, tossed back and forth by the wind. Every now and then, a branch breaks off. A branch of self-confidence.
But what if you were a tree, standing firm and unaffected by the wind? What if you had clarity about what feels right to you, and what doesn't? Oh yes, there you feel it. Stability. Security. Strength.
You are stability.
And the arrows?
They simply shoot past you. Because you no longer have a target for them to hit.
But what helps to achieve this inner stability?
Here are five ideas to help you. They're invitations to tune in to where your body resonates and what aspect can make the biggest difference for you right now. Because that's exactly what it's about: for you, as a mother, to feel what feels right for you.
So let's get started:
1. Correctly interpret the statement of the person you are speaking to.
There's a saying: "What the other person says has to do with the other person. What you feel about it has to do with you."“
For example, if another mom says to you, "What, you're going back to work already?", you don't know what's behind that mom's statement. Why she's saying that to you. Maybe she longs to go back to work herself, but doesn't dare to stand up for it at home. Or maybe she loves being a mom so much that she simply can't understand it. So, objectively speaking, what she's saying has nothing to do with you.
BUT. What this sentence does to you, what feeling it triggers within you, is rooted in you. So, if you immediately feel insecure, if guilt creeps up on you, and you doubt your decision, this stems from a feeling you probably recognize from the past. Ask yourself: When did I feel this way as a child? What would have helped me back then? How can I give myself that feeling now? Perhaps it would help to lovingly say to yourself: "It's okay to go my own way." "I'm allowed to do what's right for ME."“
2. Do you even want to accept the other person's opinion?
Are you standing in line at the checkout and a woman is giving you unsolicited advice? Take a moment to reflect: Do you want to accept this stranger's opinion or statement right now, or not? It's your decision. No one else's. You can let the words roll off you like water off a Teflon pan, or soak them up like a sponge.
Why not make yourself a list along the lines of "I accept ideas and suggestions from these people – and I ignore them from these people." This will help you gain self-confidence because you are consciously engaging with the topic and preparing yourself.
3. Whose opinion do you want on which topic?
As a mom, there are always topics where you'd like some outside input because you're unsure how to handle them (e.g., sleep, feeding, parenting, health). But sometimes it's wise to think about WHO you want to discuss these things with beforehand. Let's take the topic of "sleep." If it's important to you to support your child's needs and you know your mother-in-law has an opinion on this that you don't share, stop talking to her about it. Because that will only make you more insecure. You're allowed to do things differently and find your own solutions. That's okay.
So think carefully beforehand about who you feel comfortable discussing this topic with and who will take you seriously. Ask yourself: Who thinks like me and can offer me loving and supportive advice on this issue, while still respecting my own decision? You are the mother, and you have the right to decide who you talk to about what.
4. Connect with yourself regularly through grounding.
Through regular grounding, you metaphorically root yourself to the earth and become a stable tree. To do this, stand upright. Take a few deep breaths into your belly. Now imagine roots growing from your feet, reaching deep into the earth. Allow the energy from the earth to flow upwards through your body. Feel the power and inner strength and let it spread throughout your entire body. Practice this exercise regularly and you will feel more secure.
A little insider tip: This reconnection with yourself not only helps you, but also your child. Security is one of your child's most important emotional needs, and the more secure you are, the more relaxed you are, and the better you can co-regulate your child's emotions. Do the exercise 2-3 times a day, and you'll notice a significant change in both you and your child after just one week.
5. Use the power of your intuition.
If you've let someone else make you feel insecure, that's perfectly human. To find your way back to your own opinion and sense what's right for you right now, reconnect with your intuition. Every mother has this intuition, but unfortunately, many of us have lost the ability to perceive it. It's that small, subtle inner voice that whispers "Yes, go for it" or "No, absolutely not" as soon as someone brings up a topic with us.
You can practice listening to your intuition again by, for example, simply going out into nature and listening deeply to your inner self. Or by putting up a note with the question "Why can I hear my intuition so well?" and paying attention to what you encounter in everyday life over the next few days. Perhaps a book on the subject. Perhaps a beautiful quote that deeply touches you.
All of these are opportunities you can use to become more confident in dealing with the opinions of others. It's a buffet you can help yourself to. Without ranking or judgment. Because one thing is always especially important for me to impart to you as a mother:
You are unique, and so is your path. Tune in to what feels right for you right now and allow yourself to walk your own unique path to motherhood, step by step.
From one mom to another, Barbara
